"Hey, uh... I need to tell you something."
"Sure, what is it?"
"It's a secret. I've been keeping it to myself for such a long time, but I just need to tell someone, and you're a great friend, so I figured that I could trust you with this."
"Wow, really? Thanks! Okay, what's the secret?"
"Whoa, not so fast."
"First, you need to solemnly swear on anything and everything you hold dear that you will not, under any circumstances, tell anybody. And I mean ever."
"Wow, this must be pretty serious. Okay, I solemnly swear."
"Actually, now that I think about it, I'm gonna go write up a contract."
"Um, that's not really necessary."
"Yes it is. This is my hugest secret, and I need to be sure you won't tell anyone!"
"Yeah, but I already--"
"I'll be right back!"
"Okay, here's the contract!"
"You've been gone for, like, half an hour! Where have you been?!"
"I was writing the contract! Look, here it is!"
"...I'm looking at one five-sentence paragraph with a bunch of blank spots on a piece of looseleaf. How the hell did you manage to take thirty minutes with this?"
"I couldn't get the wording right, and I wanted it to be perfect!"
"Yeah, but-- Nevermind. Can we get through with this please?"
"Okay, make sure you read all the terms and conditions thoroughly."
"Of course, wouldn't dream of just skimming right through. ...Okay, done."
"There was no need to rush through it!"
"I'm a quick reader. Now can I please just sign the damn thing?"
"Of course. Sign here. Then there. Put your initials here. And then sign one more time, right there."
"Okay, I solemnly swore not to tell anyone and I signed your little contract--"
"Hey! That is a legally binding document!"
"--So, will you please tell me your secret now?"
"Come on. What is it?"
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you..."